One More Step on the Path

While I was in Arizona, I was given such a lovely blessing.  I've been so thankful.  And I also think that extra day in Arizona was just what I needed as well.  I felt that we should stay one more day, but it turns out that it may have been as much for me as it was for the children.  I'm afraid I can't expound on that, but I'm writing it down nonetheless.

One of the biggest struggles I've had in my life has been with the fear of failure.  I know I've probably mentioned that before.  I don't know if you know how huge it is, though.  It is all-encompassing.  I know it doesn't sound like it should make sense, but it's one reason why I have such a hard time being a good housekeeper.  It's often why I get upset with my children.  That doesn't sound like it should make sense either.  It's one reason why I hate shopping (absolutely loathe it).  So much in my life has been wrapped up in this fear that I'm going to let somebody down or ruin somebody's life by failing.  And this is worsened by a deep-seated belief that everyone else (and especially a strong person) is right and I am wrong, wrong, wrong - always.  I am not sure where that one came from, but since discovering it I've been battling it every day. 

When I look at these two mental problems I have (not that those are all I have - I'm just focusing on these at the moment ;), I sometimes feel overwhelmed.  On the one hand, they both seem ridiculous.  I hesitate to share them because people will think I'm weird.  But on the other hand, they are so deeply ingrained that it is a major struggle to uproot them to give them the old heave-ho.  However, the more I work to change them, the more I do see actual progress there.  I am so, so thankful.  I'm moving closer to the point where I can say, "I'm not a bad person.  I did what had to be done, and if it ruined somebody's life, by golly, they can just pick themselves up and dust themselves off like I do."  And not only that, but for the last few days, I've been able to change the mantra I repeat in my head so many, many times from, "I'm not a bad person," to "I am a good person."  Do you know how powerful that is?  It makes me so happy!  And the Spirit confirms it and makes me cry.  It is so beautiful to feel that.  I'm thankful beyond words.

And another beautiful thing is happening.  There's someone who I've needed to forgive for a very, very long time.  I think I am closer than ever to actually forgiving.  That is such a beautiful gift.  And not only that, but it's a gift I give myself.  And I'm not returning it. ;)

Conflabbit (Dagnabbit?)

I'm lonely.  I'm thankful, but I'm lonely.  It feels so complicated.  I don't understand it.  I'm thankful for my life, and I'm thankful to be here with my children.  But I'm lonely.  Maybe it's because of my shortage of adult conversation.  I don't know.  But it is/is not fun.

In other news, Jill and I watched a little gymnastics on the computer, and now I'm inexplicably smelling chalk.  Hmmm...

Thoughts on a Sunday

I had to light the water heater again yesterday.  It wasn't as scary this time, and I didn't even cry about it. ;) Progress!  And it is such a miracle to have it work.  And it's a miracle now to turn on the faucet and have hot water come out.  I am definitely feeling thankful and also pleased with myself. :)

I have been missing people lately.  I miss being minutes away from family.  And today (Sunday), I think the thing I miss the most is having people come over for Sunday dinner.  That is one my absolute favorite things in the world.

And that thought led me to think about how I've changed in that regard over the years.  I used to worry so much more about absolutely everything.  I feel that I still have a long way to go, but I don't worry as much as I used to.  And Sunday dinner is a good illustration of that.  I used to worry about having the house spotless and have everything go smoothly.  As Jeremy has helped me learn to worry less I've been able to focus more on things that are most important.  I've realized that people don't come to see a spotless house.  They don't come to inspect my sink to see if all the dishes are done, or the beds to see if they are all made.  They don't even come to inspect the toilets and judge my toilet-cleaning skills (or lack thereof).  They come to be together and to be with us.  Isn't that a lovely thought.  And so as the years have gone on I've learned to focus on that - bing together with people we love.  I have to let go of embarrassment if the house isn't spotless.  And when people are here I have to drop any worry and just enjoy.  I've learned that as hostess I can set the tone for a get-together.  If the hostess is not happy or is worrying like crazy, the guests are not going to feel at home.  There will be tension.  That's not my goal.  I want the experience to be happy, to be treasured.  And the most important thing I have learned is that my loved ones are still going to love me even if I failed by not getting the house all the way clean.  And it is a pleasure to serve them all and welcome in the sweet feelings that come with being together.  All these things I've learned are a miracle to me as well.  I'm thankful.

I'm not sure when we'll get to have these Sunday dinner experiences again.  I'm not sure where the road of life will take us.  Who knows?  We could end up in some odd place like Panguitch. ;) But I know that there will be more opportunities like this, and that makes me happy.  I still like to have a nice Sunday dinner with my children.  They are my honored guests, and I'm thankful for each one.  And though I'm not through raising my children, I really look forward to having grandchildren to come and be smothered in love from their grandma.  And at least I can cook huge dinners again when they come. :) Today we're having funeral potatoes and ham.  I'm really looking forward to it!