One More Step on the Path

While I was in Arizona, I was given such a lovely blessing.  I've been so thankful.  And I also think that extra day in Arizona was just what I needed as well.  I felt that we should stay one more day, but it turns out that it may have been as much for me as it was for the children.  I'm afraid I can't expound on that, but I'm writing it down nonetheless.

One of the biggest struggles I've had in my life has been with the fear of failure.  I know I've probably mentioned that before.  I don't know if you know how huge it is, though.  It is all-encompassing.  I know it doesn't sound like it should make sense, but it's one reason why I have such a hard time being a good housekeeper.  It's often why I get upset with my children.  That doesn't sound like it should make sense either.  It's one reason why I hate shopping (absolutely loathe it).  So much in my life has been wrapped up in this fear that I'm going to let somebody down or ruin somebody's life by failing.  And this is worsened by a deep-seated belief that everyone else (and especially a strong person) is right and I am wrong, wrong, wrong - always.  I am not sure where that one came from, but since discovering it I've been battling it every day. 

When I look at these two mental problems I have (not that those are all I have - I'm just focusing on these at the moment ;), I sometimes feel overwhelmed.  On the one hand, they both seem ridiculous.  I hesitate to share them because people will think I'm weird.  But on the other hand, they are so deeply ingrained that it is a major struggle to uproot them to give them the old heave-ho.  However, the more I work to change them, the more I do see actual progress there.  I am so, so thankful.  I'm moving closer to the point where I can say, "I'm not a bad person.  I did what had to be done, and if it ruined somebody's life, by golly, they can just pick themselves up and dust themselves off like I do."  And not only that, but for the last few days, I've been able to change the mantra I repeat in my head so many, many times from, "I'm not a bad person," to "I am a good person."  Do you know how powerful that is?  It makes me so happy!  And the Spirit confirms it and makes me cry.  It is so beautiful to feel that.  I'm thankful beyond words.

And another beautiful thing is happening.  There's someone who I've needed to forgive for a very, very long time.  I think I am closer than ever to actually forgiving.  That is such a beautiful gift.  And not only that, but it's a gift I give myself.  And I'm not returning it. ;)