The other day I saw a news story that caught my eye. I've been mulling over its idea for a good week or two. It said that a study shows that people who do a lot of social networking are more lonely than those who don't. Isn't that interesting? I think it is true, though. It seems like when I'm on Facebook a lot a care more about whether or not people like what I posted, and when they don't like it or comment I feel all lonely. And it's the same with other things in my life where I'm reaching out, seeking attention from people who are far away and not getting it. Why do I do that? Why don't I just be with the people I love who are right here?!
I guess the answer is that Facebook is a good, solid distraction from my frustrations. I often have my phone in my hand during school time, and when I am frustrated because school is taking too long or whatever I just flip over to Facebook, get my bit of distraction, and move on. It's essentially the same as walking away to cool down before tackling the problem again, except that I don't have to actually get up. The problem is, though, that often people aren't updating their statuses fast enough for me, and then I feel frustrated looking at the same thing over and over. I know! It's lame! I need to find me a new distraction. I don't need loneliness in my life. I am too busy for that, and I have too much to be thankful for.
So today I officially have 11 days left until this little guy comes unless he decides to try to come earlier. We have no indication that he will, but I still wonder. I believe that tomorrow will be my last doctor visit before the little guy comes. I like that. :) I'm not sure how it will go, but I'm hoping to leave early and squeeze in a trip to the Temple. I've got to get there. It has been too long, and a new little one complicates future Temple trips.
I keep thinking over and over again about how it is to give birth, particularly in the operating room since that's where it will happen again. I remember the sights and sounds. I remember that every time I am scared to death about being poked in the back. I remember the numb feeling and not being able to move my legs. I remember feeling pressure on my abdomen, and I remember the nice guy who sits up by my head monitoring my vitals and reassuring me that I'm doing great. (Last time I was especially nervous about the poke in the back because with Jill they had a hard time finding the right place, and it hurt! So to make me feel better the guy who sits by my head and the anesthetist started cracking jokes back and forth. I was very thankful!) I remember wondering what might be happening to me down there beyond the sheet they hung up and then hearing that first cry and melting into tears every time. And I remember that after a bit a nurse says, "If you look over that way you'll see your baby." Then a nurse walks past carrying a new little one, pausing to show him to us before whisking him away to the warmer to get cleaned up and tested. And then Jeremy goes over to see him while the doctor continues his work. After a while Jeremy brings him all bundled in a blanket and hat to see me. I love the feeling of his soft skin as I kiss the new, sweet face. That also makes me bawl.
I remember feeling impatient and nauseated as the stitching up is completed. I remember watching the funny clock on the wall that leaps ahead instead of ticking like a normal clock. I think it's actually a lap counter. They have somebody whose job is specifically to count how many laps go in and make sure the same number come out. (Laps are something they use to soak up bodily fluids.) Jeremy and the baby go to the recovery room, and I follow after I'm all clean and stitched up. My incision is covered in betadine (because Dr. Joe just likes that stuff, the nurses say) and tape. I still can't move my legs or feel any pain. And there I finally get to hold my baby and nurse him. And then I spend a few more days in the hospital, enjoying my new baby and getting to know him, loving him so intensely I think I might burst. And people come to visit and tell me how cute he is. ;) I love when our children come to meet their new sibling. That is heaven to me - having them all together.
Yep, that is about how it goes. I may be weird, but I actually look forward to that time in the hospital every time. (Just not the getting poked and cut or the times I wait too long for medicine.) The food is actually pretty yummy, and I don't have to cook it. I get pampered and taken care of, and I get to challenge myself, seeing how many laps around the place I can do in a day. And best of all, it's nice to be able to focus on healing and bonding without many other worries. For one thing, I don't have to be worrying about my other children. I know that Grandmas take good care of them, and it always makes me happy that my children are having a great time in the care of somebody who knows and loves them. It's like a little vacation for them. And by the time I get home I feel like I know the new little guy enough to see where he fits in and be able to learn to take care of them all again. And thank heavens for Grandmas' help then too! I wouldn't know what to do without them! And I am crossing my fingers that everything goes as well as it did last time, minus the colic. :)
So yeah, you know what's on my mind lately - school and Brom. I am pretty excited, and I'm thankful that time is short. I still have a lot to do and have been really frustrated. Not only do I lack motivation right now, but I'm worn out after school every day and I can't do much bending or lifting. I need to get things cleaned up, but it is not happening. Here I am at 38 weeks and my bag isn't even packed. What the...? I need to at least make sure the bedroom is rearranged just right and Brom's bed is set up and everyone has a clean bed, but I'm not sure how that will get done. I don't even have the car seat put together. What I do know is that I can't rearrange the bedroom. :P Oh, well. We'll figure it out. I do have Jeremy to help me right now. And I just try to focus on the fact that this frustration won't last. Soon I'll be recovering and be able to actually do things, and not only that, but I'll have a little Brom! That is super exciting! :)
Speaking of Jeremy, though, that trip to California may have been productive. He met Lilly and Os's home teacher who may be helpful in finding a job out there. It sounds like it could be a good place to live and that there are lots of jobs. It would be great because we could go and make lots of money and pay off all our debts with the money he makes. (We're not crazy in debt, to be honest. We just have that van loan and some student loans and then our mortgages. It just really grates on Jeremy's nerves to have any debt at all. It would be nice to erase at least the van and student loans.) And then we could move wherever we wanted. But we're not sure that is the Lord's plan. I guess we are keeping our bases covered. I'm a little worried about the possibility of moving there. (Ahem, liberals and drag queens.) I am not sure what kind of place it would be for kids. It sounds like it's more a place for adults. But I am sure we could be just fine if that is where God sends us. Of course we will go if we are supposed to.
And also speaking of jobs, Jeremy has been hired by a behavioral health place here in town. It is not a very good job at all. He'll be helping teenagers and adults with transitioning, and he'll be paid peanuts for it. I am worried about him working in that environment every day. It seems like something that would stress me out really badly! And I do wish it paid better. That sounds like a tough job! Needless to say, the job search will continue! Hopefully, we'll be able to move in the next few months. I have learned, though, that Brom needs to be born here - or maybe that we need to be here in Arizona while he's born. That's one reason why the job hunt hasn't turned up much, I am sure. So we will be patient. Anyway, if all the paperwork is in place on time Jeremy will start work on Friday.
Want to hear something funny? I woke up this morning at 4:30 to go to the bathroom. I had to actually turn on the light because the toilet paper was nowhere to be found. Then when I went back to bed I couldn't sleep. And not only that, but I felt an infection flaring up in the back of my nose. Oh, joy! Love it when that happens! Then I kept sneezing and having to get up and blow my nose. Finally, I brought a roll of toilet paper back to bed with me, which meant that I didn't need it but went right to sleep - until Timmy smacked my forehead with his head. Then I sat up in bed and cried, and I didn't quite know why. I just felt like crying. Then I blew my nose again and laid back down, all the while lamenting the lost sleep because I knew I'd need to be alert and happy for school today. Then after all that tossing, turning, nose blowing, dozing off, and waking back up again my alarm went off at 6:00. I got up and turned it off and then set it ahead to 7:00. I was too tired to be up. Then when it went off again I stumbled out of bed again and got dressed and all that. And here I am typing away now. I started feeling really guilty about sleeping in and then sitting at the computer instead of getting the boys up and going. But then about 2 minutes ago I realized it is a holiday! Duh! I could still be sleeping! Ha, ha! All that worry for nothing! Well, maybe I'll go shopping since I'm up and nobody else is.
Oo, before I forget - one of the things I love about this new computer is that I downloaded a puzzle app. It does feel like cheating because the pieces are all turned the right way, but I can sit and de-stress while doing a puzzle, not worrying about the pieces getting scattered if I get up for a minute. Plus, Timmy finds it fascinating to watch me put it together. He comes and sits with me while I do it. I love it. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment