Where It All Came Together

I have thought a lot recently about this post and the feelings that accompanied it.  The very thought of it kind of repulses me, and that was the case even as I wrote it.  I was disgusted by the whole situation.  I didn't like that we were applying for government assistance, and I didn't like being the person who whines about the government not giving said assistance readily.  I was frustrated because in trying to get that assistance, I was trying my best to find a way to care from my family, and I was being met by every roadblock possible.  I was doing all I could think to do, and it was just not working out.

Also, throughout this experience, I have felt a lot of guilt.  I knew this challenge was part of God's plan for me and for our family, and so I reprimanded myself over and over for not bearing it gracefully, for complaining the whole way, and for being afraid.  I knew that God would make it right somehow.  I was just scared out of my mind because I couldn't see the whole picture.  And so I went on feeling like I failed that test. 

Leaving Utah was really a hard thing for me to do.  We gave up a beautiful house to move to an old broken one.  We gave up a wonderful school where we'd just gotten things figured out for Joshua.  We gave up living near friends who became very dear to us.  But it was even more than that.  I think that the bigger issue for me is that that is the house where we built so many happy memories adn also where we survived the summer without Jeremy.  That's the house where I overcame fear of blowing up the house and relit the water heater numerous times.  That's the house where the Elder's Quorum came to the rescue and eventually got it fixed for us.  That's the house where we stayed for the majority of the summer because I wanted to make sure Joshua had the stability he needed.  That's the house where we were blessed all summer.  That's the house where we chatted with Jeremy on Skype every day.  That's the house where I cried every day because I missed him.  And that's the house where he did indeed come home.  God was with us, watching over us the whole time.  It was a hard time, but it brought us closer to God, and we were happy there.

Then there was the trip to Arizona where we found that it was God's will was for us that we move back to Globe.  I was crushed.  We got home from that trip, I stood in the kitchen and just sobbed.  Jeremy held me, and I knew he knew what I was feeling.  But we moved forward.  We arranged for the house to be rented out, and we packed up and left.

We all know, though, that I complained about going, and I complained about our situation once we got here.  And I have felt like my grumbling meant I didn't put my whole heart into obeying God in this instance.  Sure, I moved, and I had faith that it would all work out, but my heart was hurt and afraid.  And so yesterday as I was thinking about it and feeling guilty again, I realized that I could forgive myself because (epiphany) I had been grieving.  Did you see it?  I was whining so much because I was grieving.  God does not expect us to never grieve.  Grief is part of our human existence, and when used correctly, it can be turned for our good.  I hadn't really understood so clearly until that moment yesterday.  I was immediately overcome by emotion as I was flooded with God's love and the assurance that I am right with God and I am ok.  I was reminded of this scripture:

"And now, if I do err, even did they err of old; not that I would excuse myself because of other men, but because of the weakness which is in me, according to the flesh, I would excuse myself."
1 Nephi 19:6

Do you see that?  Nephi excused himself.  And if Nephi can find reason to excuse himself, so can I.  It's not that we should take our sins lightly or that we don't need to repent when we do something wrong, but we can forgive ourselves, and we can always find reason to do so.  This also reminds me that our weaknesses are simply an invitation to come to God so He can help us become better.

And so I think I will take this and run with it.  I feel God's love so strongly this morning, even in the face of uncertainty about our financial future and sadness over the outcome of yesterday's election.  We have what really matters, and we will keep moving forward. 

That One Awesome Fireside

Photos found on lds.org

 

I keep thinking from time to time about the fireside we had last month where Elder Christofferson and Elder Hallstrom spoke.  I think I forgot to do any kind of write-up other than a few notes about it.  You wanna know what the first thing is that I think of when the subject comes up?  Here it is:

We were there about 45 minutes early so we could get a decent seat.  At that point we were waiting for our visiting general authorites, people were visiting, and it was getting a little noisy.  After we'd been there about 15 minutes a lady got up and stood at the microphone.  She was looking around, and I didn't know what she was doing.  I guess I figured she was looking for her group.  Anyway, after she'd stood there for a minute or two she suddenly said, "No, I'm not an apostle, but this is still the house of the Lord.  So SHUSH!"  Yes, she yelled the last part - in the chapel, and all of it was said in a very rude voice.  It was so horribly innapropriate.  It did get people to be quiet, and she did have a valid point, but the message was not delivered in a very good way, and it drove away the spirit.  I didn't like it.

Thank heavens we all had time to recover from that. And right on the dot our general authorities walked in.  It was so cool to see them walk in. The feeling is so delightful, just being in their presence.  I was thankful that they came!

In Elder Hallstrom's talk he talked about the statement that we've all heard many people make: "That's just the way I am."  I know I've heard that a lot, and I admit I've been very judgmental about it.  I've even caught myself thinking it from time to time.  Well, Elder Hallstrom is contrary to the gospel and to eternal progression.  Isn't that lovely?  And so I guess whatever we say that about becomes a challenge to use our weaknesses as a tool and become better people.  We are not meant to be stuck in a rut.  We are meant to have challenges, and we are meant to learn and grow from them and be who God wants us to be (which we all know is AWESOME).

In Elder Christofferson's talk he said a couple of things that got us all laughing.  He was looking for a scripture and said, "I hope the scripture is where I think it is.  Sometimes they move." 

He also told a story about one of his children's families.  They were all gathered around for family prayer one night.  Somebody bumped a Darth Vader toy, and it said, "I find your lack of faith disturbing."

And my favorite part of his talk was when he talked about the scripture D&C 64:10.  It says, "I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men."  When he was reading it a long time ago he thought that seemed unfair that we're required to forgive everybody while Heavenly Father can kind of pick and choose who he'll forgive.  But he realized it's really a blessing.  We don't have to carry the burden of deciding who can be forgiven and who can't.  We are allowed to forgive everyone.  I love that.  It's such an incredible feeling to forgive.  It is such a gift.

My children were pretty restless throughout the meeting.  I was impressed that Hyrum and Joshua recognized that a rare and special thing it was to have an apostle in our midst, even if they were kind of bored.  At the end of the meeting they practically ran up to the front to shake Elder Christofferson's hand, but he was already gone.  I understand that they have a tight schedule, but it was still such a bummer.  I know that is something they would always remember.  My hope is that they remember anyway.

Happy Days

Timmy as Pikachu at Trunk or Treat

 

Last night we went to Trunk or Treat at the stake center.  It sneaked up on me.  I only bought one costume this year.  The rest were reruns.  And honestly, I wish I hadn't bought that one costume.  It represents the fact that I gave in, and that's lousy.

 

Trunk or Treat, however, was a lot of fun.  Every time we go to Trunk or Treat, the four older boys run off on their own right away, so we don't see much of them during the night, but I really enjoyed the time spent with the little ones.  While we were eating dinner and trying to get Timmy calmed down (poor tired, hungry boy), Jill took off with a random group of kids and ran around getting candy for a while.  Jeremy and Grandma took off running to find her.  Thank heavens, she was ok, and she was so pleased that she got candy.  Jeremy took her hand and they went together to get more. 

 

I think the best part of the night for me was when Timmy jumped down and took off running.  I ran and grabbed his candy bag and handed it to him, and then I just followed him as he ran.  He'd run and run and then stop at a random car and hold his bag out.  Then he got around to the end of the church where they'd had games.  They had a floodlight there, and at that point he stopped and bent over to look in his back.  He exclaimed, "Ooooooo Cah-kee!"  (Candy)  It was like he suddenly noticed he had some and was so pleased. :) Letting him run is a great delight for me, especially when we're in a large area.  His eyes light up and he just takes off and looks so, so happy.

 

Trunk or Treat is just one of the many delights about fall around here.  I've stopped grieving so much about being here in Globe and having left our beautiful home in Utah.  I'm looking for things I can be thankful for, and the more I do, the more I find to be thankful for.  It doesn't mean that conditions are ideal or that all the bills are paid right on time, but it means that I am trying to recognize God's hand in my life and how He blesses me every day.  This afternoon I saw it in the setting sun's light filtering through the leaves in the huge trees in our backyard.  It is breathtaking, and it made me stop and cry a little bit.  God is good.  I'm thankful for fall light in Globe and all the other little ways He shows his love and presence in my life.

Things are looking up

Yea, plastic animals! :D

 

 

Right after we got home from a wonderful day in Pima on Sunday, the Relief Society president showed up at our door.  Somebody had tattled about our situation, and she practically forced us (in a sweet, loving way, of course, because she is a sweet and loving person) to fill out a food order.  We should be getting that food today.  I am so thankful!  One of the things I'm most excited to be getting is dishwasher soap.  I've been trying to be frugal, so when I ran out of dishwasher soap I just started washing by hand.  One of the things on the food order was dishwasher soap.  Such a small thing, but I'm so thankful!

 

Also, I checked our food stamps account this morning, and there was money in it!  My jaw dropped.  I had very nearly given up on ever seeing a balance other than zero there.  (Please bless that we never, ever, ever, ever, ever have to live with government help again!  I'm thankful that it's there, and this will be such a big help, but I'll be so glad to ditch it, and I seriously hope we never have to have it again.)

 

And also today, I found Timmy's bucket of plastic animals.  I hadn't seen it since we moved and was afraid it had somehow been thrown away in Cedar City.  I'm so thankful!  It may seem like such a small thing, but it makes a difference to me, and it makes a difference to Timmy.  He loves them a lot.  In fact he loves them almost as much as his Lightning McQueen.  That is quite a bit. :)

I've also proved once again today that a clean home is a happy home, even if that home has non-working lights here and there.

Paracelsus

Picture courtesy of Wikipedia

 

I was just reading about Paracelsus.  He was a doctor born in 1493 and had a big influence on the field of medicine during the Renaissance.  Paracelsus is kind of a nickname meaning that he was greater than or equat to Celsus, a famous doctor who came before him.  The thing that stuck out to me the most as I read about him is that he said that cholera came from an opinion or idea.  Yes, apparently he thought you could get a disease from an opinion or idea.  However, he did start up the idea that disease came from outside the body, not just from an imbalance within the body. 

These old doctors sure stumbled around in the dark.  And it's funny, too, because he sounds really stuck on himself.  He made a statement that says, basically, "You're not smart and educated like me, and you can't disprove even a word of what I say."  But all these old doctors contributed their bit and it's because of all those little contributions that medicine is as advanced now as it is.  Pretty cool.

Timma

Cute little Timma is still learning to talk.  It's so darn cute!  He has a little Lightning McQueen that Michael handed down to him, and it's currently his favorite toy, though the little pull-along doggy is a pretty close second.  He can say car, but he says it, "Cah-ee" (one syllable).  His favorite movie right now is "Cah-ees," which he likes to watch snuggled in a recliner, holding his cah-ee. 

He's learned to say Mommy instead of Mama, but when he says it it's in a whiny voice like his siblings say when they're fussing at me.  Ha, ha!  And he still loves to get a drink.  He still sometimes whacks me with a cup when he needs a drink, but not as often as he used to.  He calls water "wah-ee," and often juice is "wah-ee" too.  He sometimes gets mad at me for giving him water instead of juice.  He throws himself on the floor and sob.  The other thing he says pretty frequently lately is "moy."  It means more.  And he's been trying his hand at saying his siblings' names, but mostly just Joshua.

And best of all, Timma is still very cuddly.  He does love to eat my hair still, but he mostly only does it at night now.  Ha, ha!  That sounds like weaning.  He likes to climb up behind me on my chair and bite the hair on top of my head when he gets the urge during the day.  At night I sit in his room and snuggle him and Jill and he grabs a huge fistful (I've got extremely thick hair) and chomps to his heart's content, or at least until he pulls enough that I get upset.  But he does give great hugs too.  Sometimes it seems like he hugs me just so he can eat my hair, but I'm a sucker for a good baby hug. :)

Happy Conference!

Check out what I made for my kiddos for General Conference tomorrow!

They saw what I was making and said, "Do we have to do that AGAIN?!"  I said, "Yep." :) They don't realize it, but it blessed their little lives when I made them do it last time.  So of course they're doing it again.

In times past, I've used this one, but I was kind of frustrated that all the pictures looked like they were from the 80's.  For this one I used pictures from the church website.  (They are not my pictures.  In no way am I saying they are.)  They are more updated.  My little notebook isn't perfect, but it'll work. :)

Happy Conference tomorrow! :D I'm so excited!