Have to Say Something

This weekend has been a full one for me.  It hasn't really been full of activities.  It has simply been full of thoughts.

Obviously, at the top of my list of thoughts has been the horrendous shooting incident in Connecticut.  I know that by reading the news we are promoting sensationalism, which may in turn promote more of these awful events, but I simply couldn't pry my eyes off.  We're all wondering why.  Even the shooter's family is wondering.  Certainly, I was nervous sending my children off to school today.  Thank heavens they all arrived home safely again!  I hope we keep that up.  I also keep thinking, "Well, if we can't go to malls or the movies or even school, where can we go?"  People even get murdered in their own homes. 

I discussed the event with my children.  I tried not to get choked up, but I did anyway.  I wanted them to know, but I don't know why.  They asked me why I had to tell them.  I don't know.  But the thing I wanted to let them know is that there is still good in the world, and that we can be that good.  In this case, one person made such a horrible difference.  I want to raise children who can make a good difference, however big or small their sphere of influence ends up being.  I am thankful to still have my family.  I love them all so much!  And you bet I've been praying for those who lost family and friends that terrible day.

And there's another thing I've been thinking about.  Coming into the weekend I heard about the movement for women to wear pants to church on Sunday.  As I was told, it wasn't really about the right to wear pants.  It wasn't about being comfortable at church.  It was about voicing support for gender equality in our church.  Many have argued (and many will continue to argue) that women in our church are not treated as equal to men.  I know that many have been very hurt by this. 

And here I must interject that I don't agree with this movement.  I have never felt like I was treated as less important than men in the church.  I feel loved and accepted, and I am happy with things as they are.  I could give specifics and go into huge detail, but that is not the point of this here post.  Long story short, while I don't agree, I can still feel empathy for people who have hurt.

So anyway, at first I was shocked at the idea that there would be a push to wear pants to church.  Certainly, we want to welcome those who wear pants as much as we welcome those who don't, but it is extremely rare to find any women wearing pants in congregations I have attended.  And then I started reading more.  In particular, I read this blog post by C. Jane.  I read and thoughtfully considered all she had to say.  By the end I still didn't agree with some of it, but that is not to say I didn't agree with anything.  I realized that a lot of what she and these other women are probably looking for is to feel that they are important in the eyes of the church and in the eyes of God.  But what it all led back to for me was the fact that God loves us and wants us to love ourselves.  He loves us no matter who we are.  We are each important to Him, and He wants us to love ourselves.  That thought hit me hard and I started to cry.  I was surprised to find it in a post on feminism, a topic that has often made me feel uncomfortable.  But I realized that if I were ever to claim to be a feminist even a little it would be because I value myself.  And as I have pondered it further, I have realized that maybe my best version of myself is the one in which I love myself and know surely of God's love for and acceptance of me.  Just think of the good that a person could do, just having two things in place.

And in other news, check out this bad boy.

 



Yes these are the way cute shoes that we bought less than 4 months ago (that I only wore regularly for about half of those 4 months).  I bought them at Payless, thinking that they would last longer than ones I could get from Wal-Mart.  Well, they didn't.  These are also the same shoes that dug holes in the backs of my heels the first day I wore them.  They were so cute, but they are oh, so fired!  I'm sure you can imagine how much fun I had going out in the rain in them this past weekend.  (*squish, squish, squish*)  Thank heavens Christmas is right around the corner.  I have a new (well, at least new-to-me) pair all wrapped up and waiting.  Hooray! :D I wish I could say the same for Jeremy because he got shoes at Payless at the same time that I got these, and the sole already had to be glued back on.

Sweet Little Jill

I think one of the things I like best about Jill is that she is a free spirit.  She is so confindent in herself.  I also love that she loves to dance.  Sometimes she dresses up for it, and sometimes she doesn't.  Sometimes she can convince Michael to wear her tutu, and sometimes she can convince her brothers to dance with her. 

And another thing I like about her desire to dance is that I really haven't had to encourage dancing much.  It's a desire she picked up pretty much on her own, like it's part of her already.  She loves to dance.  She begs everyone to dance with her.  I always said that if I had a daughter I would want her to dance, but I wouldn't want to force it.  She gives me that with so little effort.  I love that girly!

She reminds me of myself growing up with my sisters.  One of our favorite things to do was to dress up, turn on music, and dance around the living room together.  And my favorite way to start a dance was to sit on the floor and spread my skirt in a big circle around me.  It was so dramatic.  I loved it! 

And in other, unrelated news, I think it would be great if I could learn to knit while playing video games.  Wouldn't that be a good use for a cold morning.  Me too!

Hair, Wrestling, and Irony (Scattered Thoughts of the Day)

A few weeks ago Timmy started getting especially mean with my hair.  It only happened when he was overly tired, which means it was just about every night at bedtime.  But he'd grab a smaller group of hairs than usual and pull hard while fussing.  It hurt and it always made me freak out because while it was a smaller group of hairs, it would still make a bald spot if he was successful in pulling the entire thing out.  And bedtime is freak-out hour for me anyway because dinner has worn off and I'm tired.  So I started saying, "OK, I've got to cut my hair."

Really, I needed a haircut anyway.  I hadn't had one in a year and a half, and my hair was horribly unhealthy.  At the same time, I loved my long hair.  I thought it was funny that it was long enough to make my tummy all wet after a shower.  And it was pretty, even if it was full of split ends.  It was time, though, so I asked Susie to cut off my layers (making it all one length) and give me a little trim off the shortest layer.  Well, it came out shorter than I hoped.  That's about par for the course, though.  And the nice thing is that it feels healthy and I like this length on me.  (Just past my shoulders)  I decided a long time ago that I should always keep it that length.  But I didn't do that, did I?  I'm trying not to think about how much I miss my hair, but sometimes it comes bursting out.  And then Jeremy says, "Well, you asked Susie to cut it."  Yes, I did.  And I'm going to grow it back out.  Hopefully I can take better care of it this time.  I thought about posting a picture, but I'm feeling decidedly not pretty today, so I won't even TAKE a picture.  Ha, ha!

And I guess that one reason I'm not feeling pretty is that I'm so tired.  Last night while Jeremy was coaching at a wrestling meet in Holbrook, the rest of us were having a wrestling match of our own at Michael's music program.  Michael did a great job.  I love seeing my children up on stage singing cute litte songs.  That part I really enjoy.  What I don't enjoy is the wrestling of little ones that is involved in watching such programs.  I thanked the heavens above when it was all done and hoped I could get Michael to sing me some of his songs later so I could hear them.  I also can't stop wondering why in the world the people behind us were smoking.  Who in the world smokes in an auditorium.  Isn't that not only dangerous but also illegal?

Anyway, that all sounds like I'm not glad we went.  I'm glad.  It's worth it to me to go to these things, even knowing the workout it's going to give me physically and emotionally.  But I was also glad when it was done.

And then Hyrum had scouts and there was homework to be done.  I wanted the boys in bed at 9:00.  It was 11:00 before the last of my children fell asleep.  Jeremy still wasn't home.  I got in bed and went right to sleep, but I had to get up just after midnight to go get Jeremy.  He actually called just before coming into town and then said he'd call again when he was ready for me to come and get him.  I actually got back in bed with the phone, and it was quite pleasant to just fall back asleep for a few minutes.  When he called, I got dressed and went out the door, praying that Timmy would not wake up and wander around the house looking for me and crying while I was gone.  (He didn't.  Phew!)  I found Jeremy standing on the corner near the bus barn all cold, using his blankie as a scarf.  Poor guy.  I should've just gone the first time he called.

And then we came home, and we finally got to sleep around 1:00.  And then Timmy woke up and got in bed with us.  That's actually still pretty normal.  He went right back to sleep.  And then Jill snuggled in on the other side of me without waking me up.  That's also pretty normal.  I often wake up with a headache because I slept on my back with those two on either side of me.  (My neck needs to be supported just right while I'm sleeping, and sleeping on my back just doesn't give me that.  And when that happens, my sore neck gives me a headache by morning.)  Sometimes I'll wake up after she's back asleep and realize she's there, and then I'll move her to the middle next to Timmy because for some reason that makes me better able to sleep on my side. (I don't know why.  It just does.) 

Well, this time, while I didn't notice her getting in bed next to me, I did notice when she started crying for me, standing next to Jeremy's side of the bed.  I didn't know what she wanted, but I was tired and didn't want to get up.  I rolled over to get cozy for another moment or two, and then I felt something warm and wet on my side.  Yep, she wet my bed and I rolled into her puddle.  I went to her where she was standing there sobbing.  Jeremy had taken off her dress.  She took me by the hand and dragged me down the hall to "her bathroom," where I took off her other wet clothes and got her dressed in clean ones.  I put her back in my bed and changed my clothes.  I put a towel over the puddle because I didn't know what else to do with 3 people already in the bed.  I figured that would do until morning.  And then I went to get in bed, but the only place I could fit in was where the puddle was.  I imagined the wet seeping through the towels and getting my clean clothes wet.  It wasn't appealing.  I went out to the couch.  The next thing I knew Jeremy came out to tell me my alarm had rung twice.  I was very surprised to find I wasn't in the bed.  It was kind of funny.

And then here I am.  I took Jeremy to school and then made sure the boys were dressed and took them to school.  I am still not quite awake.  But I think that is a very funny story, and so did the boys.  I've found that if I tell them a funny story on the way to school they are more likely to get out of the car happily (or at least more willingly) when we get to the school.  This is especially the case with Michael.  He's at that stage where if he's too tired he's grouchy and doesn't want me to leave him, and then I have to practically drag him up to the school door and then hope he stays.

So anyway, I guess the thing is that this silliness in the night made Michael happier about going to school.  Isn't that ironic? 

Another great thing about living here

See that bush?  When I look out our front door it's on the left side of our yard.  Birds love it.  It is often quite a loud bush because there are so many birds in it.  It's technically our neighbor's bush grown into our yard, but I LOVE it!  When my older kiddos were littler we had a bird feeder out our front window, and the kiddos loved to climb up and watch the birds outside.  They'd descend in a huge flock, mostly eating bird seed that had fallen on the ground.  And then the slightest movement would send them all flying back to the power lines in front of our house and the bush.  Then they'd swarm down again.  We need to get some bird seed! 

And just because you're surely wondering, yes, that is a hole.  Benji dug one just a few feet away from this one, and our two little ones have enjoyed it a lot.  On Saturday, though, Jeremy decided to fill in that hole and move it to this location because it's easier to look out and check on the little ones this way.  Benji was understandably bummed to have his hole filled in, but I'm sure he'll survive.  And I'm sure he'll be out there digging in the new hole before long.  I like that we have that liberty here.  We have areas around the yard where it's ok to dig holes as deep as we want, just for fun.  One of those great places currently needs dug out because the old tenants buried trash there.  I'm scared to go look.  And another place we thought was great turned out to be a cat graveyard.  (Right in between the two big trees in the backyard.)  We discovered that years ago.  It's sad because that's good soft dirt right there. Still, there are other good places to dig.

We also have some drippy faucets on the right side of our yard.  I can make them drip pretty slowly, but one of them just won't turn all the way off.  I'm ok with that because the birds like to hop up on it and get a drink.  My computer used to face the window where I could best see the birds getting drinks, and I loved it.  I also love how in the winter the drippy faucet makes this happen in the winter:

 

 

Ok, one more picture.  One of the things I like best about this little Timma is that he is so cuddly.  He likes to climb up on my lap, wrap his arms around my neck and just hug me for a while.  He then proceeds to grab a fistful of my hair and chew on it, but how can I be mad about that when he just gave me such a sweet, big hug?

 

Bits of Happiness

I have all sorts of things that I want to record.  The first of those things really deserves its own post, but I also feel I ought to hurry and record it all before I forget to and it's REALLY old news.

First of all, here are some good friends of ours:

Image shamelessly stolen from Lilly's Facebook page

 

Now here's a story.

 

Some of you may recall a post I wrote a year or 3 ago saying that my family plays World of Warcraft.  We still do, off and on, whenever we have game time.  It has been fun to have our family involved in it and to play together.

 

Anyway, when Jeremy started playing years ago, he found that some guys he knew growing up in Globe were also playing, and he joined their guild.  Then about a year later I started playing, and I joined their guild too.  And then they all left us.  One guy left because he got married, and most of the rest left to play that Star Wars online game that came out a few years ago.  So it was just Jeremy and me, and it was kind of lonely.  And then one day we decided we should find a guild that we could work with on dungeons and raids and things, so we started looking at chat, and we found a guild that had people we liked, and we eventually joined.  Pretty soon after that, though, we broke off to a new guild with these two people in the picture above (to whom we affectionately refer to as Lilly and Os, though those are really nicknames for their Warcraft characters) and a few others.  And I think that if we were to keep playing Warcraft forever we would stick with this guild we now have.  Here are a few reasons why:

• It is a low-drama group.  Some guilds have such horrid fallings out and stuff.  We had some of the same at first.  Nowadays, our guild only has 4 active members besides our family, and they are good people who have become good friends.
• One of our main rules is that our guild is a family guild, so language, etc. must be clean.  I've appreciated how our guild members look out for our kiddos.  And if we're in a group with non-guildies, they make sure it's understood that we have minors on and that the non-guildies need to follow our rules. 
• And this brings me to another point - the fact that these guildies love our family, and they have been a support to us.  They've encouraged our kiddos to do good things, and they've been a positive influence, especially in Hyrum's life.
• We encourage each other in things we're working on in real life or in game, and we cheer for each other.  It's fun.

Lilly is our fearless leader, and she is one of my closest friends.  It feels really funny to say that because I always thought that people in online relationships were just wacky.  It turns out, in this case things just clicked with us.  So we started chatting and found that we have a lot in common.  We've listened to each other's problems and encouraged each other.  It's been really great.  Everybody needs one or two more people on their side, right? :)

 

Anyway, at the time that we met, Lilly guessed that we are LDS.  She said, "You could just tell."  Also at that time, Lilly was LDS, but hadn't been to church in a very long time.  Her husband, Os, is a great guy.  He wasn't a member, but he started being curious about the church.  You all know where this is going, right?  Yep.  A few months ago, Lilly and Os started going to church, and yesterday Os was baptized.  I know it hasn't been easy for them.  They've had a lot of bumps in their road, and I know that after so many years it was hard for Lilly to think about going back to church.  But I am so proud of these two!  They have made it over all those bumps. 

 

And guess what else.  We get to finally meet them sometime this week as they move from Pennsylvania to California.  I'm excited.

 

And now on to some random tidbits:

 

Hyrum was interviewed last Sunday and now has a Temple recommend!  He can now go do baptisms for the dead!  So we are trying to find a time to do that really soon.  I am so excited!  And it was really neat to watch Hyrum come out of the church with his new recommend.  He was glowing.  Of course he was smiling, but it was the kind of smile that comes from the inside.  It was cool.  I'm proud of that boy.

 

Another cool thing about Hyrum has been watching him pass the sacrament.  He takes it very seriously.  He gets up before his brothers on Sunday, and he makes sure he's ready on time.  It's very important to him.  Again, I am so proud.  And it also means that we've been trying harder than ever to be on time for church, and so far at least Hyrum has been there a little early every time. 

 

One of Jill's best friends is her cousin Ryan.  She likes to tease him sometimes, and he doesn't like that.  Poor guy.  But mostly they're just great friends.  One day just recently I opened a new package of diapers and plopped them in the diaper basket.  Jill grabbed one out and saw that it had Mickey and Minnie on it, and she said, "Look!  It's Jill and Ryan!"  Cute!

 

Timmy is still learning to talk, or course.  He's going to turn 2 a week from tomorrow.  He uses the same word for candy, cracker, and cookie: "Cah-kee." It's cute, especially because he says, "Ooooo! Cah-kee!" 

 

He is still mostly using one word at a time.  However, on Friday, October 19, he finally used 2 words together in a recognizable manner.  He said, "Moe wahr!"  (More water!)  I was so pleased!  But the very next day he said his first sentence.  He was sitting with Papa's iPad playing Baby Pad, a little easy alphabet game on there.  He loves that game.  Anyway, he came to E for egg, in which a bird hatches from an egg.  You tap on the egg and it cracks and cracks and then a baby chick pops out.  When the chick popped out he said, "It's a bird!"  I know I probably say all the time that he talks in a sweet little voice, but you'd have to hear it to realize how sweet it is.  It's mellow and lovely, almost like he's singing.  Hearing him say, "It's a bird," in that cute little voice just melted my heart!  Cute fella!

 

 

 

Where It All Came Together

I have thought a lot recently about this post and the feelings that accompanied it.  The very thought of it kind of repulses me, and that was the case even as I wrote it.  I was disgusted by the whole situation.  I didn't like that we were applying for government assistance, and I didn't like being the person who whines about the government not giving said assistance readily.  I was frustrated because in trying to get that assistance, I was trying my best to find a way to care from my family, and I was being met by every roadblock possible.  I was doing all I could think to do, and it was just not working out.

Also, throughout this experience, I have felt a lot of guilt.  I knew this challenge was part of God's plan for me and for our family, and so I reprimanded myself over and over for not bearing it gracefully, for complaining the whole way, and for being afraid.  I knew that God would make it right somehow.  I was just scared out of my mind because I couldn't see the whole picture.  And so I went on feeling like I failed that test. 

Leaving Utah was really a hard thing for me to do.  We gave up a beautiful house to move to an old broken one.  We gave up a wonderful school where we'd just gotten things figured out for Joshua.  We gave up living near friends who became very dear to us.  But it was even more than that.  I think that the bigger issue for me is that that is the house where we built so many happy memories adn also where we survived the summer without Jeremy.  That's the house where I overcame fear of blowing up the house and relit the water heater numerous times.  That's the house where the Elder's Quorum came to the rescue and eventually got it fixed for us.  That's the house where we stayed for the majority of the summer because I wanted to make sure Joshua had the stability he needed.  That's the house where we were blessed all summer.  That's the house where we chatted with Jeremy on Skype every day.  That's the house where I cried every day because I missed him.  And that's the house where he did indeed come home.  God was with us, watching over us the whole time.  It was a hard time, but it brought us closer to God, and we were happy there.

Then there was the trip to Arizona where we found that it was God's will was for us that we move back to Globe.  I was crushed.  We got home from that trip, I stood in the kitchen and just sobbed.  Jeremy held me, and I knew he knew what I was feeling.  But we moved forward.  We arranged for the house to be rented out, and we packed up and left.

We all know, though, that I complained about going, and I complained about our situation once we got here.  And I have felt like my grumbling meant I didn't put my whole heart into obeying God in this instance.  Sure, I moved, and I had faith that it would all work out, but my heart was hurt and afraid.  And so yesterday as I was thinking about it and feeling guilty again, I realized that I could forgive myself because (epiphany) I had been grieving.  Did you see it?  I was whining so much because I was grieving.  God does not expect us to never grieve.  Grief is part of our human existence, and when used correctly, it can be turned for our good.  I hadn't really understood so clearly until that moment yesterday.  I was immediately overcome by emotion as I was flooded with God's love and the assurance that I am right with God and I am ok.  I was reminded of this scripture:

"And now, if I do err, even did they err of old; not that I would excuse myself because of other men, but because of the weakness which is in me, according to the flesh, I would excuse myself."
1 Nephi 19:6

Do you see that?  Nephi excused himself.  And if Nephi can find reason to excuse himself, so can I.  It's not that we should take our sins lightly or that we don't need to repent when we do something wrong, but we can forgive ourselves, and we can always find reason to do so.  This also reminds me that our weaknesses are simply an invitation to come to God so He can help us become better.

And so I think I will take this and run with it.  I feel God's love so strongly this morning, even in the face of uncertainty about our financial future and sadness over the outcome of yesterday's election.  We have what really matters, and we will keep moving forward. 

That One Awesome Fireside

Photos found on lds.org

 

I keep thinking from time to time about the fireside we had last month where Elder Christofferson and Elder Hallstrom spoke.  I think I forgot to do any kind of write-up other than a few notes about it.  You wanna know what the first thing is that I think of when the subject comes up?  Here it is:

We were there about 45 minutes early so we could get a decent seat.  At that point we were waiting for our visiting general authorites, people were visiting, and it was getting a little noisy.  After we'd been there about 15 minutes a lady got up and stood at the microphone.  She was looking around, and I didn't know what she was doing.  I guess I figured she was looking for her group.  Anyway, after she'd stood there for a minute or two she suddenly said, "No, I'm not an apostle, but this is still the house of the Lord.  So SHUSH!"  Yes, she yelled the last part - in the chapel, and all of it was said in a very rude voice.  It was so horribly innapropriate.  It did get people to be quiet, and she did have a valid point, but the message was not delivered in a very good way, and it drove away the spirit.  I didn't like it.

Thank heavens we all had time to recover from that. And right on the dot our general authorities walked in.  It was so cool to see them walk in. The feeling is so delightful, just being in their presence.  I was thankful that they came!

In Elder Hallstrom's talk he talked about the statement that we've all heard many people make: "That's just the way I am."  I know I've heard that a lot, and I admit I've been very judgmental about it.  I've even caught myself thinking it from time to time.  Well, Elder Hallstrom is contrary to the gospel and to eternal progression.  Isn't that lovely?  And so I guess whatever we say that about becomes a challenge to use our weaknesses as a tool and become better people.  We are not meant to be stuck in a rut.  We are meant to have challenges, and we are meant to learn and grow from them and be who God wants us to be (which we all know is AWESOME).

In Elder Christofferson's talk he said a couple of things that got us all laughing.  He was looking for a scripture and said, "I hope the scripture is where I think it is.  Sometimes they move." 

He also told a story about one of his children's families.  They were all gathered around for family prayer one night.  Somebody bumped a Darth Vader toy, and it said, "I find your lack of faith disturbing."

And my favorite part of his talk was when he talked about the scripture D&C 64:10.  It says, "I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men."  When he was reading it a long time ago he thought that seemed unfair that we're required to forgive everybody while Heavenly Father can kind of pick and choose who he'll forgive.  But he realized it's really a blessing.  We don't have to carry the burden of deciding who can be forgiven and who can't.  We are allowed to forgive everyone.  I love that.  It's such an incredible feeling to forgive.  It is such a gift.

My children were pretty restless throughout the meeting.  I was impressed that Hyrum and Joshua recognized that a rare and special thing it was to have an apostle in our midst, even if they were kind of bored.  At the end of the meeting they practically ran up to the front to shake Elder Christofferson's hand, but he was already gone.  I understand that they have a tight schedule, but it was still such a bummer.  I know that is something they would always remember.  My hope is that they remember anyway.