Why

Timmy does love to hug my head.

 

I've been thinking a lot lately about being a mom.  Maybe it's because we just had Mother's Day.  Maybe it's because I'm feeling very pregnant with our seventh child.  (I still have over 3 months to go.  Argh!)  Whatever the reason, I keep feeling like I need to justify myself to everyone around me.  All you who read my blog know that I feel insecure about my motherly abilities from time to time.  And we all know that six children are already a lot to handle.  But I also keep realizing that there is nobody out there demanding an explanation.  Nobody really seems to care that I will soon have 7 children.  (It's not that they're uncaring.  It's that it doesn't make a difference to them.)  They do comment that my hands are full, but I haven't received any negative reactions to the idea.  In that I feel pretty blessed.  (I have definitely heard stories...)  So maybe I should just calm myself down. ;)

 

At the same time, I find myself asking why.  It doesn't mean that I would change my choice to have all these children.  It doesn't mean that I doubt that they are gifts from God or that I don't want this many any more.  I guess the biggest reason why I keep asking that question is that not only is mothering a lot of children a lot of work, but my body has had a hard time getting these babies here.  Last week I was filling out a questionnaire for the cardiologist that asked for any major illnesses, surgeries, and the like.  All of the ones I listed were from pregnancies.  There simply aren't any others.  I wrote it all out and then sat back and looked at it and thought, "What in the world am I thinking being pregnant again?!  No wonder my mother thinks I'm crazy!"  (No, she doesn't really think I'm crazy.  She just worries because of the troubles I've had before.  I get it.) 

 

But then on Sunday morning I had quite a nerve-wracking dream.  I dreamed that I was hiking with some family out in the middle of nowhere.  We were just on a family trip.  My husband and children were there, and so were my parents-in-law, my sister-in-law Anne and her family, and another sister-in-law (Katie) and her family.  We were on our way back towards our cars when we came across a man standing around.  He offered us drinks, but insisted that the ladies must have theirs first.  He handed what looked like apple juice to Mom, Anne, Katie, and me and did a toast.  It was hot and we were thirsty, so we drank the juice.  Immediately we couldn't breathe and we all died.  (No laughing.  This was a very serious dream. ;)  Then I was looking at everyone else as they reacted.  I watched as the man was suddenly gone and as the families moved on down the trail.  The husbands carried their wives.  At one point Dan set Katie down to take a rest and one of their children was sitting next to her body.  It was so sad.  And Mom and I both appeared as angels to our husbands.  I told Jeremy that I was mad because I wanted to be there to raise our children.  In my head I knew that he'd eventually remarry and move on, and I knew I'd always be there watching out for all of them, but it's not the same.  My heart was so broken.

 

I woke up and couldn't shake that dream for quite a while.  I told Jeremy about it and cried.  I don't want to leave my husband and children like that.  Even with the eternal perspective that we know we regain after death, how do you cope with years of time you could have spent with your children that are just robbed from you?  I simply don't know.

 

But what I do know is that I am thankful for what I have.  I'm thankful to be the mother of all these wonderful children.  I'm thankful that our new baby is bouncing around in my belly and growing well.  I'm thankful for the time that I have to be with my husband.  He is truly a delight and I am a lucky girl to have him.

 

So why do I have all these children even though we've struggled?  Why am I pregnant again?  The reason is simple - it's time.  God wants us to add this child to our family, and the time to do it is now.  That makes it pretty easy to dismiss fears because when God asks us to do something He will always help us do it.  So I don't go around worrying all the time about what might happen because of what has happened before.  I press forward remembering how blessed I am.  That doesn't mean I never worry.  In fact, I did worry a bit when I answered yes on the OB doctor's questionnaire where it asked if I'm over 35.  And I have worried about my heart and my breathing and who knows what all else.  Any little hiccup has me worried because I know I'm about to be cut open again in a few months and I don't need any complications!  But I do remind myself eventually that God has always blessed us as we have pressed forward with faith, and He will continue to do so.