Do you ever feel like you hit rock bottom and just keep on bouncing? That is how it has felt to me since, oh, May 2012 or so. I feel so petty thinking about it, too. We have definitely been blessed, even as we bounce, but it has been scary and frustrating. We need some miracles. I am sure praying, but I am also sure hurt and scared.
And, no, I don't want to talk about it more than I just did.
Today I was thinking about the talk Carole M. Stevens gave at the General Relief Society Meeting in September. (Here) It was my favorite talk from that meeting. She talked about keeping the covenants we have made with God. I love it because she points out that we keep covenants by simply listening to th Spirit and doing what He prompts us to do. It isn't as hard as we sometimes thinks it might be. We just do what feels good and happy and closer to God. And it doesn't have to be something big. Sometimes it is just listening to someone or withholding judgement. I like that. :) Baby steps. Every day a little better.
I like the sister she talked about who said to people, "Don't be offended. That's ridiculous." Of course, she is right. We imperfect humans should stop feeling offended by other imperfect beings. But I am not sure I would be brave enough to say that for fear I would offend someone. Ha ha! Well, it is something to think about and work on.
I am thankful for the covenants I have made. They help me live closer to God, and that is just what I need.
Went to the dentist with Jill early yesterday morning. Took a nap. Went shopping. Had a cook with the other Burks. And then it was FHE and bedtime. Phew! There's my excuse, cuz I know you're asking. ;)
I think I'll just make up my own meme today.
1. Name a few things on your bucket list.
Ahem. I would like to try hang gliding, and I would like to hike across the United States. But most importantly, I want to someday be in the Temple with Jeremy all of our children. And I want us to do an endowment session together. There is my ultimate goal for this life.
2. Tell us a memory from your childhood.
Once my siblings and I had a big box. We made it into a house. I wanted to make it amazing like the one in my beginning reader book at school. It didn't come out as great as I hoped, but it was still fun. We made some plastic wrap window panes. I wanted to make curtains, but I don't remember if we ever did. Anyway, I LOVED that house for the while that it lasted.
We had crop dusters that flew around the town to people's fires spraying pesticide. One morning I was playing outside, and a crop duster was out. I got scared that it would spray on me and I would die, so I went in our cardboard house and felt quite pleased with myself for having such a great place to hide.
Another time we were playing in the sprinkler outside with one of Jennifer's friends. After we were done, Jennifer and her friend used the cardboard house to change out of their swimming suits. I was jealous. I wanted to change outside. At the time, I was convinced that is I stood right by the front of our car, which was parked right in front of our house, nobody could see me. So I took off my swimming suit, grabbed my clothes, and ran out the door, hoping Mama wouldn't notice, even though, I believe, she was right there in the living room. I had just gotten to the car when my plan was foiled. Mama took me inside and made me change in there. And they laughed me!
Well, there ya go. That meme is long enough for today. :)
Well, I thought about writing yesterday, but I haven't thought of a good theme for Friday. And then we went up the mountain, and I forgot to think about it further. Oh, well.
Well, I did want to talk a bit more about that book I'm reading. (Man's Search for Meaning.) I am 90% done, and, boy, is the last half kind of dry! It has lovely quotable quotes, and it's all tied together nicely, but the tone of voice makes me think of Professor Binns from Harry Potter. He is an old ghost who teaches the History of Magic, and drones on and on. He taught until the day he died, and the next day he just got up as a ghost and continued teaching like nothing had happened.
That is not at all to say I haven't enjoyed the book. I am glad I'm finally reading it. And you can tell he is quite well-educated and has done a lot of studying. But maybe this book wasn't written for a curious but not-as-educated stay-at-home mommy of 7. Oh, well.
The latest point I have gotten from it is that life is like a movie. All the little pieces fit together and have meanings, but it isn't until the end of the movie that we see how all those little meanings are unified into THE meaning of our life. Our lives are like that because the meaning of our life is what we find in our day-to-day decisions. We find meaning as we decide what we are going to do and, thus, what we are. And not only that, but the meaning of life is different for each person. And the meaning changes from situation to situation. It is a personal thing to find meaning in our lives.
He also says that when people commit suicide it's not always because they've lost the meaning in their lives, but helping them find or remember the meaning helps them want to live.
Another thing he said that I liked is that old people are to be envied, if anything, rather than looked down on. He says they have their whole lives behind them with so many meaningful things that they have done tucked away into the past. Your past can't be taken from you, so you want to fill it with as much meaning as you can.
It is just such a neat book. What an amazing man. He pointed out that one reason why he survived the concentration camps was that he found meaning, a reason to live. When he was taken to Auschwitz he had to give up his life's work, the manuscript of his first book. But as he was so close to dying from Typhus he stole bits of paper and wrote out what he remembered of his book in short-hand. He knew he just had to get it done. That was his meaning at the moment. Pretty cool. It definitely makes me think of making things more meaningful in my own life.
I just remembered something. One night when Joshua was just a few months old we were living in Mesa and Jeremy was away with his scouts overnight. Joshua spent a lot of the night crying. I do remember feeling frustrated and probably even angry at a few points as the night wore on, but what I remember most is pacing up and down and up and down that hall, carrying Joshua. I walked slowly and bounced as I went. It seemed to be the only thing I could do to calm him.
I remembered something about an after-hours clinic our pediatrician had, so I looked it up, and in the morning I was able to take him in. It was in the mall and the exam rooms were extra cheerful. He had an ear infection or two. Poor fella. I was so thankful that they could take care of him and I didn't have to wait until Monday. What a tender mercy for Joshua and me both.
I am thankful for times like that. It seems like sometimes I look back on the hard times fondly because I remember taking care of those who mean the most to me and feeling love for them intensified. What a neat thing. Truly, the more love you give, the more you have to give.
