In Which God Shows He Cares about Box Scrounging

It's sad that it's taken me nearly a month to post again.  I really should have posted more often while Jeremy was gone.  I mean, who doesn't want to hear about all my pains and trials while playing single mom?

I just really need to record something today because it's kind of funny.  For those of you who haven't heard (that's you, people reading my book in the future - because the rest of my 2 readers already know), we are moving back to Globe in 11 days.  Here is the low-down:

Jeremy got back from Paris on July 24th, and we knew we'd need to hurry and find a job.  We also knew that meant we'd be leaving Cedar City.  We talked about it, and we had a rough plan to find a great job in or near a big city.  With Jeremy's international business degree, he could get paid pretty darn well.  And then we figured after we did that for a while we'd move wherever the heck we wanted.  (Isn't that a lovely way to say it?)  Also, Jeremy knows that he'd like to someday work as a research professor at a university.  However, he does not currently have any work experience.

A week after Jeremy got home we left for Arizona to visit family and go to the Burk family campout.  Somewhere along the way Jeremy's brother Aaron called and told us about a job teaching business classes at Globe High School.  We kind of dismissed that notion because we knew it wouldn't pay much.  But then we went to the Temple, and while we were there it was made clear to us that our plans were not the same as the Lord's plans.  He wants us to move back to Globe, and he wants Jeremy to take that job.  We both sat there scratching our heads in the Celestial Room.  We both do not want to move back to Globe.  But, by golly, we are going to do what the Lord asks of us!

So we have been going ahead with the new plan.  Our old house in Globe was recently vacated.  Unfortunately, there's been a lot of damage to it.  However, we can get that fixed, and we will have a roof over our heads.  And because Jeremy doesn't have teaching experience and the school needs him anyway, they are taking his prior work experience as a substitute.  Everything is working out really quickly.  And this job will help Jeremy along on his plan.  He can use this teaching experience to go work at a college where they can help pay for his PhD, and then he can work his way up to a university.  It may be a pretty good plan after all.

All of this means, however, that we have got to move quickly.  And that means I have to do some fast box-scrounging.  Usually, I will start scrounging weeks in advance.  This time I started today because that is the best I could do.  So I was doing the dishes this morning, worrying about finding enough boxes quickly enough, and I said this prayer: "Heavenly Father, this move is your idea, so you have to help me find some boxes."  Then I realized that was kind of a bratty way to say it, so I apologized and tried to rephrase, saying basically the same thing except adding "please" in somewheres.  And then I went out to hunt boxes.

I went to Smith's first, and I got a few good ones there, but they made my car smell produce-ish.  Still a box is a box, and I was thankful!  Then I went to Wal-Mart.  I'd called earlier and the guy promised he'd save me some.  He gave me five banana boxes.  That's about what I got at Smith's.  I figured that was all I could find for the day and vowed to get out early tomorrow morning so I could have a better haul.

But then I realized I'd better get some milk and some disposable plates and such, so after I put those boxes in the van I headed back into Wal-Mart.  And, as it happened, I passed the cereal aisle, and lo and behold, there were a whole bunch of boxes because there was a group of people stocking shelves with cereal.  Hallelujah!  I asked if I could have some, and they said, "Yeah!  And we've got like 4 more pallets to unload too!"  So I took a lot and then bought my stuff.  And then I went back, and they gave me a bunch more.  That was it, but that's ok because the car was getting pretty full - and you all know how big my van is!  I was so thankful.  Heavenly Father heard my prayer, even if I said it in a bratty manner.  And I thought maybe I should say bratty prayers more often.  Just kidding!  At the same time, it just reiterates that He does want us to make this move, so we are going.

Failure

I may have mentioned before that I have this horrible fear of failure.  It's one of my biggest fears.  When I sit back and look at it it just seems silly.  Everybody fails sometime.  That's how we learn.  I think it all stems from not wanting to ever let anybody down because then I'm ruining everybody's life (because everyone else is always right and I'm always wrong).  It's all a pile of poo.  It's not true, but it's something I fight against.

Anyway, Moroni taught me a good lesson today, and I wanted to hurry and record it.  Maybe it's another tool to add to my toolbox.  I am almost done reading the Book of Mormon today, so I was reading Moroni chapter 7.  Near the end, here's what he says:

"Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—

 But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him."

Did you see that?   All things must fail!  I always took it to mean that everything that's part of this earth life is going to someday fall away and all that will be left is love.  I think it does mean that, but today, for me, it means that it's ok to fail.  It says right here in the scriptures that everything "MUST fail."  We are told that we can't be perfect in this life.  It's just not possible.  But we are perfected as we pass through this life and make right our failures and learn from them.  So failing is good for us.  And also, when everything else in our lives is failing, there is always charity, the love that Christ feels for us.  Therefore, it would seem to me that all else that is not charity is of little consequence.  So maybe instead of worrying about failure I should be using my energy on love.  That is a lovely principle.  I will try that. :)

Jill

Jill just spent a good minute or so insulting someone: "You stupid!  You not go a school!"  I asked her who she was talking to, and she told me, "The clock."

In other news, I'm reading President Monson's biography.  I love it!  It's big and beautiful.  It feels nice in my hands and is full of happy things.  I felt bad spending so much to get it, but I'm still thankful to have it. :)

Tidbits

Kiddos at the 4th of July Parade

The other day I was thinking things over again.  One of my greatest fears during this time that Jeremy's been gone has been that people are going to look at me struggling with the kiddos and think, "Why does she have all those kids if she can't take care of them?!"  I especially worry about that at chruch when they all seem to go nutso on me.  So I've thought about these kiddos and how I love each of them and wouldn't trade any of them for anything.  They are my little treasures.  But they sure do cause a lot of trouble sometimes.  It's been hard for me to ask for help, but I realized the other day that maybe one of the reasons why I have all these kiddos is so that other people can have an opportunity to serve.  What a humbling thought!  At the same time, I know that "When we're helping, we're happy."  So maybe I'll try to be more humble about this and learn to let people help me.

Yesterday at church both Sunday School and Relief Society were about missionary work.  Our teacher in Relief Society asked for some ladies with "hot little hands" to tell about missionary experiences.  I was too slow, as usual, but it just so happens that I have a little story to share.

When I was in college there was this guy who was obviously not LDS.  And then I also had a friend who was very much Catholic but was also a bit interested in our church.  I still wish I had done more to fellowship her!  Anyway, there was one day where the three of us ended up sitting together eating lunch in the cafe.  As we conversed, the guy asked a kind of joking question about our church.  I answered him the best I could, and then he kept asking questions.  He stopped joking and started asking more serious questions.  And as the conversation went on, I answered all of his questions quite easily.  Afterwards, as the other girl and I were walking back to our dorm, I said, "Wow!"  I couldn't believe I'd been able to answer all those questions like that.  She said that she couldn't have done that if she had been being grilled about her church.  I had the distinct impression, though, that I had recieved divine help to answer all those questions.  I felt so alive as I talked.  It was just so neat.  I've always wondered if either of those people ever joined the church because of that experience, but I also felt very proud to be Heavenly Father's instrument that day.  I like people to understand our church.  It is beautiful and it blesses my life every day.

One More Step on the Path

While I was in Arizona, I was given such a lovely blessing.  I've been so thankful.  And I also think that extra day in Arizona was just what I needed as well.  I felt that we should stay one more day, but it turns out that it may have been as much for me as it was for the children.  I'm afraid I can't expound on that, but I'm writing it down nonetheless.

One of the biggest struggles I've had in my life has been with the fear of failure.  I know I've probably mentioned that before.  I don't know if you know how huge it is, though.  It is all-encompassing.  I know it doesn't sound like it should make sense, but it's one reason why I have such a hard time being a good housekeeper.  It's often why I get upset with my children.  That doesn't sound like it should make sense either.  It's one reason why I hate shopping (absolutely loathe it).  So much in my life has been wrapped up in this fear that I'm going to let somebody down or ruin somebody's life by failing.  And this is worsened by a deep-seated belief that everyone else (and especially a strong person) is right and I am wrong, wrong, wrong - always.  I am not sure where that one came from, but since discovering it I've been battling it every day. 

When I look at these two mental problems I have (not that those are all I have - I'm just focusing on these at the moment ;), I sometimes feel overwhelmed.  On the one hand, they both seem ridiculous.  I hesitate to share them because people will think I'm weird.  But on the other hand, they are so deeply ingrained that it is a major struggle to uproot them to give them the old heave-ho.  However, the more I work to change them, the more I do see actual progress there.  I am so, so thankful.  I'm moving closer to the point where I can say, "I'm not a bad person.  I did what had to be done, and if it ruined somebody's life, by golly, they can just pick themselves up and dust themselves off like I do."  And not only that, but for the last few days, I've been able to change the mantra I repeat in my head so many, many times from, "I'm not a bad person," to "I am a good person."  Do you know how powerful that is?  It makes me so happy!  And the Spirit confirms it and makes me cry.  It is so beautiful to feel that.  I'm thankful beyond words.

And another beautiful thing is happening.  There's someone who I've needed to forgive for a very, very long time.  I think I am closer than ever to actually forgiving.  That is such a beautiful gift.  And not only that, but it's a gift I give myself.  And I'm not returning it. ;)

Conflabbit (Dagnabbit?)

I'm lonely.  I'm thankful, but I'm lonely.  It feels so complicated.  I don't understand it.  I'm thankful for my life, and I'm thankful to be here with my children.  But I'm lonely.  Maybe it's because of my shortage of adult conversation.  I don't know.  But it is/is not fun.

In other news, Jill and I watched a little gymnastics on the computer, and now I'm inexplicably smelling chalk.  Hmmm...

Thoughts on a Sunday

I had to light the water heater again yesterday.  It wasn't as scary this time, and I didn't even cry about it. ;) Progress!  And it is such a miracle to have it work.  And it's a miracle now to turn on the faucet and have hot water come out.  I am definitely feeling thankful and also pleased with myself. :)

I have been missing people lately.  I miss being minutes away from family.  And today (Sunday), I think the thing I miss the most is having people come over for Sunday dinner.  That is one my absolute favorite things in the world.

And that thought led me to think about how I've changed in that regard over the years.  I used to worry so much more about absolutely everything.  I feel that I still have a long way to go, but I don't worry as much as I used to.  And Sunday dinner is a good illustration of that.  I used to worry about having the house spotless and have everything go smoothly.  As Jeremy has helped me learn to worry less I've been able to focus more on things that are most important.  I've realized that people don't come to see a spotless house.  They don't come to inspect my sink to see if all the dishes are done, or the beds to see if they are all made.  They don't even come to inspect the toilets and judge my toilet-cleaning skills (or lack thereof).  They come to be together and to be with us.  Isn't that a lovely thought.  And so as the years have gone on I've learned to focus on that - bing together with people we love.  I have to let go of embarrassment if the house isn't spotless.  And when people are here I have to drop any worry and just enjoy.  I've learned that as hostess I can set the tone for a get-together.  If the hostess is not happy or is worrying like crazy, the guests are not going to feel at home.  There will be tension.  That's not my goal.  I want the experience to be happy, to be treasured.  And the most important thing I have learned is that my loved ones are still going to love me even if I failed by not getting the house all the way clean.  And it is a pleasure to serve them all and welcome in the sweet feelings that come with being together.  All these things I've learned are a miracle to me as well.  I'm thankful.

I'm not sure when we'll get to have these Sunday dinner experiences again.  I'm not sure where the road of life will take us.  Who knows?  We could end up in some odd place like Panguitch. ;) But I know that there will be more opportunities like this, and that makes me happy.  I still like to have a nice Sunday dinner with my children.  They are my honored guests, and I'm thankful for each one.  And though I'm not through raising my children, I really look forward to having grandchildren to come and be smothered in love from their grandma.  And at least I can cook huge dinners again when they come. :) Today we're having funeral potatoes and ham.  I'm really looking forward to it!